Alyssa Tyler editor in chief
Children have always been a part of my life. From being the oldest sister to five siblings to the babysitter. There being countless children that have come through my life, family or not, that I love dearly. However, I could never be a mother to them or any of my own. I have accepted that as a fact ever since my young adolescent years. I cannot see myself as a mother and be happy with that role. And for years I carried guilt with me for knowing that.
Becoming a parent is supposed to be selfless. When you decide to bring a child into the world, you are taking on the responsibility not only for someone’s life, but for their wellbeing. If you asked my stepfather and mother, you are only legally required to give the child food, shelter, and clothing. But many would argue that parents should give more than just the bare minimum. You should be able to give them your love and attention, you should put them at the top of your list of priorities and feel okay with that choice.
The entire process of being a mother is terrifying. From pregnancy, to raising the child, and everything else. The idea of sharing your body with something that will soon be your entire life does not make me feel excited about starting a family. When I think of my future, I can only see a child as a barrier to what I want my life to be. And overall, it only fills me with revulsion and the desperate and albeit selfish want to only care for myself. I have had and recognized that feeling and emotion and accepted that as a fact and truth. I am who I am, and I cannot see myself as a good mother.
My mother was not ready to be a parent when she did. She was young and emotionally immature. She was not ready to take on the responsibility of what having a child entails. And personally, I see myself as my mother in more than just in the mirror. I have her eyes, her temper, her nose, and her impatience. While my temper and impatience push me to work harder and to be better. I cannot see those as positives in the field of being a mother.
The saying ‘drunk words are sober thoughts’ rings through my head repeatedly when thinking about my childhood. My mother repeatedly told me while drunk that she wishes she never had children, especially me, and that we (her children) ruined her life. Although many would say my mother was just saying things to hurt me, I understand where she comes from.
If I were forced to have children at this point in my life, I cannot say I would love my child unconditionally. I would hold some regret, guilt, and even anger towards the child that did not actively do anything. But in my eyes, I would see them as the person or even thing that took my freedom.
You should become a parent because you want to be. Most of the human population can become parents quite easily, that does not mean everyone should. Before bringing another human into the world, you need to know yourself as a person inside and out. I do not know who I am completely yet, I have years to find my career, love, and live my life as I see fit. And I cannot see a child in that equation, and I am working on no longer feeling guilt over that.